and then i suddenly have conflicting emotions about wanting a binder myself. What to heck 

there are some things i take, so personally, like, gbhgbhfghf

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im so uncomfortable at school because i have not one person there who knows im not cishet, so like, i can FEEL being thought of as a girl in other ppls minds like its stressful, im glad i cut my hair at least so that people might not have the same stereotypical str8 girl image of me in their head but still i just feel rly uncomfortable and kind of freaked out about it. ffff

what is happnging. ahughhhh im feeling a little weird right now, again with this whole need to explain my complete and utter detachment from my body but thats such a long talk i jsut

good bye im so agender right now it hurts. like maybe im not ur type of agender but doesnt change the fact im hecka agender. sadaf agender

?????

!!!??!??!?!?!?

wow ,omg sdds , oh my goshhhhh i have been thinking this all day but, i look good AND i can still look fairly androgynous if i want to, wow, omg :’) 

im so tired of myself and =sldfknknkks„ so bad at gneder. so bad at existing

its getting to a point where i start taking showers really often or randomly wake up in the middle of the night and start drawing or do completely random things like go into the living room downstairs at 4 am and walk around and eat and start screaming during the day and pull on my hair when it curtains around my face just to remind myself i exist on any level at all because i dont identify with this body in a way thats really really detached and i dont care about anything on it really i dont understand why its here and how to make it mine

i hate myself and i hate the way i cant understand or describe my gender and it just ends up with my blankly saying “nothing” when i think about it too hard and then i feel mad because i dont necessarily CARE if people use gendered words on me so then im like its alright friends it doesnt affect me at all but then sometimes it really suddenly bothers me and im ultra aware of gendered pronouns and words like i cant even dismiss is and i feel really weirded out by my existence as a person like half the time when i look in the mirror i dont. identify with that face at all i dont relate to that body and its not usually a big deal because i dont….feel existy ever and i dont feel the need to manifest my gender physically because then i would be invisible or something for that to work and its always been that way where when i look at picture of myself i just judge them as a third person in terms of looks but i dont think of them as myself and i dont have a thought for myself or what i should look like and i feel bad about that because it feels like im so bad at gender that i dont necessarily experience much dysphoria because!!!!!! i barely believe i exist on any level at all i dont understand being human and being alive and existing much less my gender and even much more less if i should care what this strange body should look like